How Do I Tell Someone About My Self-Harm?
This resource can help if you’re thinking about telling someone about your self-harm.
Telling someone about self-harm can feel difficult and is a brave step to take.
You might be worried about how they will react, whether they will understand, or where to begin. You may have been keeping it to yourself for a long time. Telling someone might mean you no longer have to carry it entirely alone. It might help someone understand what you’re going through and, if you want it, open the door to support.
You don’t have to tell anyone anything before you’re ready.
Choosing someone to tell
You might choose a friend, family member, partner, teacher or health professional. It can help to think about who you feel most comfortable with and what you want from the conversation.
You may want someone to:
- Listen
- Understand what is happening
- Help you find support
- Go with you to an appointment
- Help you think about what to do next
You could tell them what you need:
- “I need you to listen.”
- “I don’t want advice right now.”
- “I’d like some help finding support.”
- “I’m not asking you to fix this.”
You don’t have to tell someone face to face.
You could:
- Talk to them in person
- Send a text or email
- Write something down
- Ask them to read a note before talking
- Practise what you want to say first
You could start with something simple:
- “There’s something I’ve been struggling with and I need to tell you.”
- “I’ve been self-harming.”
- “I don’t know how to explain this, but I want to tell you.”
- “I’m worried about how you might react, but I need to talk to you.”
You don’t have to explain everything at once. If you can, choose a time when you are unlikely to be rushed or interrupted. You might prefer somewhere private, or find it easier to talk while walking or doing something together.
If you don’t know how to explain your self-harm
You don’t need to fully understand your self-harm before talking about it. You might know that it helps you cope with difficult feelings, feel more in control or manage when things feel overwhelming. Or you may not know why you do it.
You can say that.
- “I don’t fully understand it myself.”
- “I’m trying to make sense of it.”
- “I don’t know how to explain it yet.”
If it doesn’t go the way you hoped
Not everyone knows how to respond when they hear that someone is self-harming. They may feel worried, upset or frightened. They might ask lots of questions or focus immediately on trying to get you to stop. Sometimes people assume that self-harm means someone wants to die.
You can say:
- “I know you’re worried, but I need to take this at my own pace.”
- “I’m telling you because I want you to understand what’s happening.”
- “It’s difficult for me to talk about this.”
- “I don’t want to keep this to myself anymore.”
- “I’m worried about being judged.”
- “I’m not ready to talk about everything.”
- “Here’s what would help me right now…”
If you need to, you can take a break and continue the conversation later.
Talking to a professional
You may decide to talk to a GP, therapist, counsellor or another professional. It is okay to understand the boundaries before deciding what to share. Before you begin, you can ask about confidentiality:
- “Will you keep this confidential?”
- “When might you need to share this information?”
- “Would you tell me before sharing anything?”
Download the PDF version of this article or print it to use as a reference sheet.
Resources Archive
Why do people self-harm?
Download PDF Resource A helpful guide to understanding some of the reasons for self-harm. There are many reasons someone might self-harm. Those reasons can change
First Aid for Self-Harm
Download PDF Resource This information is not meant to replace seeking medical advice or treatment. THERE IS NO SAFE LIMIT OR FIRST AID APPROACH FOR
Talking About Self-Harm – Video from Mind
What is self-harm? – Talking about mental health In this video from Mind, four individuals – Zainab, Lechelle, Debbie and Ben – openly share their
An Introduction to Mindfulness & Meditation
Download PDF Resource What is Mindfulness? Mindfulness is the practice of staying aware of the present moment and noticing thoughts and feelings as they come
Self-Harm Safety Plan
Download PDF Resource A helpful worksheet to help you plan ahead We’ve created a helpful worksheet template which can help you to create a safety
I want to stop hurting myself
Download PDF Resource A helpful guide to reducing and stopping self-harm. This resource can help you if you’re trying to stop self-harming. If you want to